God's Will and free will

I'm struggling right now to figure out how my faith relates to... things that happen.

I believe this statement: "God has a plan."

I do not believe this statement:  "Whatever happens is God's will."

I believe this statement:  "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee."

I do not believe this statement:  "God will protect you/him/her/them."

And there are two simple words to explain why I believe this:  Free.  Will.

Don't get me wrong.  I believe that God eventually sees His will done for those who truly wish to see His will done, despite the fact that things happen that are OUT of His will.  But not everything that happens in the world is His will, and not everything that happens in our lives is His will.

And I believe that God is always with His children, but that doesn't mean He prevents anything "bad" or negative from happening to them.

Because He created man with a free will.  So even IF we as Christians were perfect (really, we're not!), we are still surrounded by people who are not Christians.  So even though we as Christians (I hope) truly desire to see God's will done and His children protected, we are still surrounded by people who, not knowing Him, have no such desire.

Humans, Christian or not, are selfish and self-centered.  We want what WE want, and our choices and actions, more often than not, reflect that.

And because none of us is an island nor lives in a bubble, our actions affect those around us.  And since God created man with a free will, He does not put up His big hand and "block" the decisions that we as selfish, self-centered humans make; and as a result, a LOT of things happen that aren't in God's perfect will.

Therefore, the more of these kinds of people you are surrounded by - whether by choice or not - the more likely you are to have things happen in your life that are not God's will, and that you ultimately have absolutely no control over.

So somehow, you - and by "you" I mean "I" - have to figure out how to trust God when you know that there is a very strong possibility that His will may not be done.

And then there's prayer.  Do you pray that His will WILL be done?  Does praying for His will change things?  Make a difference?  Somehow prevent those who would seek after selfishness regardless of the people it hurts, from actually making those decisions with such vast-reaching harmfulness?

I don't know.  I don't have answers.

I do have God, and I have prayers for trust and peace, and I have a strong faith in Him that I need to hold on to, even - no especially - when it seems like the hardest thing to do.

Stuff and Things

SO much has happened since my last post.  (I know, I know - you're tired of hearing that EVERY time I write.)

We had an AWESOME start to the school year.  We have, for the most part, stuck with a good routine and daily schedule, switching it up here and there when necessary.  These last week and a half have been a bit too relaxed for my liking, but next week is our Fall 9-week Break, which is sorely needed; and I fully expect us to start strong again after that. 

Part of the reason we've had a relaxed couple of weeks is because I made and canned 18 quarts of apple sauce and about 2 dozen quarts of apple cider.  Then my dad "surprised" me with two HUGE boxes of grapes from his buddy's vineyard; so last week, with the kids' help, I got about half of them done and canned into grape juice.  I have 6 dozen quarts so far, which means there are another 6-8 dozen quarts' worth of grapes left to can.  Oh, and I'm down to a dozen jars, AFTER buying another 2 dozen last week.  So this should be interesting.

K3's TPR was FINALLY filed with the court, and the initial appearance hearing was Monday.  It was adjourned.  It will likely be adjourned again.  If you remember from Liam's case, this is the norm.  But I'm more frustrated about this case than I was with his, because she shouldn't even have to be worrying about permanence.  This should have been over and done a long time ago.  I continue to pray for a miracle, but it's hard not to be discouraged some days.

Liam turned TWO a couple of weeks ago!  It's pretty ridiculous; I still can't really believe he's 2 already.  It still seems like it was just yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital.  Soon my K4 will also be 2; not sure how I feel about having two 2 year olds!  

Speaking of K4, we have, after much discussion and mind-changing and negotiating, come up with her new name.  :-D

Friday is November 1st, which means the beginning of National Novel Writing Month.  For the past three years, Hunter has joined me in the novel-writing adventure.  This year, Kaleigh will also participate!  For those who are not familiar with the Young Writer's Program branch of NaNoWriMo, the coolest part about it is that participants choose their own word count.  The kids and I discussed and agreed upon their word counts for this year; but I can't tell you what they are juuuuuuust yet.  Don't worry; you'll find out soon enough ;-).

Randy and I took the kids out to the county park for their annual "school" pics this past Sunday afternoon.  I SO wish I could share them here, but I can't.  Well, I can actually share pictures of three of them, but since I can't share them all, I don't really want to share any.  It doesn't feel right.

I guess those are the highlights.  

The day-to-day feels like a grind many days.  Liam and K4 take turns (or sometimes not) being whiny and clingy.  K2 and K3 take turns being deliberately disobedient.  Hunter can't quite figure out how to get to the maturity level of a 13 year old.  But Liam and K4 also take turns wanting kisses and hugs.  K2 and K3 are doing amazingly better at getting along with each other than they were several months ago.  Hunter is learning, even though slowly, and sometimes I am somewhat taken aback by his thoughtfulness and kind-heartedness.  So just as many days are fun and exciting and enjoyable.

Time to go think about dinner for tonight.

Nothing Exciting...

I wish I had something fun and exciting to post, but I really don't.

Unless you think chasing two sometimes-crabby toddlers around the house/yard/store all day is fun and exciting.

I did make the Pinterest Flubber with the three bigger kids yesterday.  They LOVED it.

I've been mentally preparing for the start of the school year, but now it's time to start more than just mental preparation.  As we always start on the Tuesday after Labor Day, we have just over two weeks until the first day of school.  Each year since moving here, I have been presented with at least one additional challenge: this year brings several.  Hunter will be in eighth grade and Kaleigh in second (which I think is the harder of the two for me to wrap my head around!)  K3 will be doing more Pre-K work this year; we will have a little more focus than last year, but I still plan to give her more play than anything.  Last year, in addition to my three students, I had a (mostly) infant.  This year I have two toddlers.  It will be an adventure for sure!

I've maintained a pretty decent summer routine, but I'm sure it would bore the reader, so I won't detail it out here.  But I think having that daily routine will help the transition back into the school year go a little more smoothly.

I have a few more things to get - I'd like a large bookshelf for the school room, and the kids still need notebooks - and I have a few little school room projects to do.  I need to make die cuts for the calendar, hang the white boards, and do a little rearranging to make the area more study-conducive.  Other than that, I'm feeling pretty ready.

I didn't get nearly as much done as far as house projects as I wanted to this summer.  I'm hoping to cram a lot into these last two weeks, but we'll see.

Happy Sunday!

and sometimes...

...the wheels of justice turn as they ought to.

Our little K4 was TPR'd yesterday.

There are, as usual, still 30 days to appeal; but they have no legal grounds, so it's not very likely.

It is almost unbelievable, after all we've been through with every other child, to have a case end this quickly.  (**Sidenote: Please don't ANYONE use the word "deserve" in a comment; I absolutely despise the word.)  It hasn't even really hit me yet.  In fact, because this happened so fast, we have to wait longer than we've ever had to to finalize adoption.  She has to live with us for 6 months before we can adopt; so an adoption is schedule for..........drum roll please..........February!  This means all of our adoptions so far will be in the same month.

If you pray, please pray - or continue to pray - for our K3.  The wheels continue to turn very slowly in her case.  Please pray that her TPR will be finalized by December, the main reason being that I don't think I can bear for her to have to watch another child adopted before her.  She has been with us a year and a half, and she has been in care for 3 years - almost 75% of her life.  Of course there are a multitude of other reasons we are praying for her TPR to be finalized by December, but I really really really want to finalize her adoption at the same time as K4.

Her TPR was referred last week (still annoyed about that, since it could have been done in April and filed by the DA in May), so I'm just hoping the ball will get rolling again quickly.  Everyone who is involved from a legal standpoint has been involved since the beginning of her first TPR, which is fairly uncommon, but a really good thing in this case.  We are praying and hoping that the judge will want to get this going and overwith, knowing how long she has been in limbo.

More to come.  Thanks in advance for all the thoughts and prayers!

Faith

Faith is what it's all about.

It's not about the outcome.

It's not about whether God "actually" had my family's best interests in mind (He did, btw).

It's about whether I had faith.

Did He take care of me?  Did He take care of my family?  Did He provide for us?

Of course He did.  He promised He would.  That was, therefore, a given.

What matters is.... 
Did I have faith that He would?

The Wheels of Justice...

...don't always turn slowly.

Because sometimes they don't turn at all.  And is it VERY frustrating, to say the least. 

If I could tattoo a verse to the inside of my eyelids, so that my human brain would not so stubbornly forget that it is there, it would be II Corinthians 12:9, for a MILLION reasons (not the least of which is the context from which it comes, which is an entirely different blog post altogether!)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Today was not one of my finer days as a cog in this process.  Today was a day I allowed myself to become overwhelmed with frustration over a screaming toddler, a sassy teenager, and a system that at times does the exact opposite of what it claims to do.  Today was a day I was more thankful than usual for God's grace, because it was a day I needed it more than any other day.

Too bad I still forgot at times throughout the day to accept it.

At the end of this very long Jonah day, when I keep mentally coming back to chiding myself for not remembering the free gift of grace that was available to me all day long, the only positive thing I can take away with me is that it will still be there tomorrow.  I'm so thankful that God doesn't say, "Well, you screwed up.  And too bad that was your last chance.  Sucks to be you."

Even Paul had to continually ask God for forgiveness - I know because he was human too.  And how else would he have finally learned to boast in his weaknesses, plural?  That certainly isn't something that we as humans could possibly learn overnight; we HATE our weaknesses and instinctively want to hide them, not boast in them.

So I will ask God for His forgiveness for my failures today, and for forgetting I do not have to let frustration overwhelm me, and I will ask Him to help me remember His grace tomorrow. 

Free Will

Why is it that when things are going really bad, and we are feeling at our worst, and life seems like it just can't get any worse, and we're miserable beyond belief to the point we just want to tear our clothes and put ashes on our heads... Why is that when so many of us say, "I really need to straighten my life out and get right with God."  We cry out for Him, beg Him to remove our affliction, promise we will turn 180 degrees and go where He's called us to go.

And then when the particular storm has ended, and the boat seems righted again, we are soooo quick to place the credit anywhere but on Him. "Good thing I learned those relaxation exercises or I'd never have gotten through that."  "Glad I worked so hard putting in overtime at work so I could get that extra money to solve that problem." "Thanks God, but I guess I've got this after all, so nevermind."  We might as well thumb our nose at Him and say, "HA! Joke's on you if you REALLY thought I was gonna do that!"

I know some people that have made me wonder why God doesn't keep them in distress, keep their lives in a constant state of turmoil (and I guess I don't know for sure that He doesn't, since turmoil in the heart cannot be seen with the eyes).

And then I realized that if He did that, it would be the equivalent of placing a spell on someone to make them love you - if you have to do that, it's not true love, so what's the point?  In other words, taking away our free will, which He does not do. And if that's the absolute only way a person is going to walk with God - if he's in turmoil - then what's the point?

When I was a kid, I used to lie in bed at night and beg God to take away my free will.  "Please God," I'd pray, "I know You give us a free will, but please take mine away so it's not such a battle to do what's right all the time."  I just wanted to be perfect, for Him. And every time I screwed up and did something wrong, I would lie there at night wondering why God let me do that.

It's still a dichotomy to me, this desire to do right battling the sin nature, while also knowing we will not be perfect this side of heaven. I'm thankful Paul wrote of it, if for no other reason than to know I am not the only one to be confused by it. "For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do." (Romans 7:19, KJV) or " For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." (ESV)

But back to my original musing.  If God brings or allows turmoil in your life, and you realize you need to turn your life back over to Him, don't change your tune once the difficulties go away. If you're willing to follow Him when things are rough, why wouldn't you want to follow Him the rest of the time too?