To My Daughters' Current and Future Role Models

As their mother, I am the most present adult female in my daughters' lives.  I strive to have a close and trusting relationship with them as young girls, so that as they get older, they continue to see me as the person they can trust the most and be closest to if they so choose.  I therefore also strive to be the very best role model that I can - I dress the same way I allow them to dress (probably more conservatively even); I only use language I would be okay with them repeating; I only listen to music that I wouldn't mind them singing in public; I follow the same house rules that I ask them to follow.  

I am BY NO MEANS perfect.  I screw up.  And when I do, I use the opportunity to teach them about lack of perfection, humility and apologies, and forgiveness.

I have long believed that bringing up girls in this world would be more difficult than bringing up boys.  (Notice I didn't say I thought bringing up boys would be easier.  Bringing up children is difficult, period.)  There is so much more immodesty available to girls.  So much more weight to peer pressure, so many more things to apply peer pressure to.  And girls can be vicious, especially when other girls don't conform.  So I used to worry that my girls would see other girls around the neighborhood, in the grocery store, possibly at public school (though that is not in the foreseeable future), at the park - wherever - and constantly be in a state of "but look what they get to wear" and "but they get to do this" and "but their mom is buying them that."  Or whatever.

But now I'm concerned the hardest part about bringing up my girls to be appropriate and modest doesn't lie with the world.

Don't get me wrong.  The world is a place with many enticing temptations, and I will never stop praying and protecting my girls from certain aspects of it.  But so far, my girls are quick to understand and accept why we dress the way we dress and buy the things we buy and act the way we act.  I think that teaching them that through God's salvation and grace, we are to live differently in order to bring glory to Him, is a powerful truth that they can accept and understand.

It's when I go to church and see adult women - particularly those who work with our children and youth - dressed immodestly, that I realize I'm more concerned about poor examples within the church than outside it.

Let me just say, I am NOT a fan of culottes, and I'm not saying women should be required to wear a skirt that covers their ankles.  I don't think it's at all difficult to dress nicely, look classy, and be modest at the same time.

I'm all for Christian liberty.  I also firmly believe that Christian liberty in private is very different from Christian liberty in public.  In private, it's between you and God.  In public, you set an example for everyone around you.  And sure, you have the liberty to wear whatever you want to church.  But if you are a regular presence in the lives of young girls - whether they are 4 or 14 - you should think very carefully about the kind of example you want to set for them, regardless of what you are "at liberty" to wear. And if you are tugging on your skirt every time you sit or stand or move around, it's probably a good indication that the skirt is too short.

Youth group leaders are such a HUGE influence in the lives of our young people, and maybe if they don't have children, they don't even realize it.  But both my 14 year old son and my 7 year old daughter are very much in awe of the leaders they spend time with on a weekly basis.  And with my daughter already paying close attention to her leaders, I can only imagine how much attention she will be paying them by the time she is youth group age.  Not to mention her two younger sisters, as she in turn sets an example for them of what it means to watch and emulate female role models.  

 If you are a young woman working with young girls, think of the chain reaction you set off every time you spend time with these girls.  It can be a positive one, or a less than positive one.  You can teach these girls how to be modest, and in turn teach each girl who comes behind her how to be modest.  Or you can teach them all otherwise.

I would sooner keep my girls out of a youth group where they have poor role models, than allow them to think that "anything goes as long as you're a Christian."

Even When It's True?

"Never say 'never' and 'always.'"

My mom drilled this into our heads from the time we were young.  We'd fight, and argue, and inevitably accuse each other of things - whether true or untrue - and nine times out of ten, someone would end up spitting out a phrase containing one - or both - of those words.

"You always take that plate when you know it's my favorite!"
"You never let me pick out the movie we're going to watch!"
"You always pick that movie when you know I hate it!"
"You never let me play video games with you!"

As adults, it's way too easy to let the words creep back into our vocabulary, especially when we're angry or frustrated.  The shell words change, but the implications do not.

In parenting...

"You never pick up after yourself."
"Why is it that you never do your chores completely?"
"You always leave your toys out!"
"You always leave your dirty clothes on the bathroom floor."

"You never listen to me!!"

And in marriage...

"You always leave your dirty socks on the floor."
"You never put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher."
"You always turn on the brightest light in the morning, even when I'm still sleeping."
"You never throw your dirty Kleenexes in the garbage."

"You never listen to me!!!"

"You never practice what you preach!"

The reason my mom drilled it into us as kids not to use these words when arguing, is because such absolutes are almost never true - do my kids REALLY leave their toys out every single time they play with them? or does my husband REALLY leave every single pair of dirty socks on the floor?

NOPE.

But what if they really DO do something the same "wrong" way every single time??  I have a memory, as my dad used to say, like a steel trap.  It is rare that I forget something (a lot less rare now that I'm a mom! HA!)  Let me rephrase - it's not rare that I forget to do something, but it IS rare that I forget details related to any given incident.  In other words, if one of my kids truly does forget to put the washcloth in the laundry every single time, I will remember it.  And it will not be an exaggeration.

I say this not to brag.  It's actually kind of a curse.  Here's why.

Even if it's true that my husband or one of my kids always does this or never does that, I should still NEVER use the unacceptable words.  And for someone with an excellent memory, who is by nature black-and-white, detailed, straight-forward, and perfectionistic about being accurate, it is VERY HARD for me not to say always and never, when they truly do apply.

Why shouldn't I use them if they are true, you say?  My husband NEEDS to know he ALWAYS leaves his wet towel on the floor, you say?  My kids NEED to know they NEVER do that chore the right way, you say?

No they don't.

1.  Absolutes create defensiveness.  Think about it.  When someone tells you that you "always" or "never," isn't your first response to deny the accusation?  

2.  Absolutes create extremes in confidence.  In cases such as the examples given above, negative extremes.  If someone feels like they never do anything right, eventually they will stop believing they CAN do it right, and they will stop trying.

3.  Absolutes leave no room for grace.  I can't tell my kids they NEVER do such and such, and follow it with a way to help them change the behavior, and expect them to believe me.  I can't teach my children grace or be a helpmate to my husband while sending the message that they don't do anything right. Absolutes and grace mix even less well than oil and water, and mixed messages never achieve positive ends.

Ultimately I want to show God's grace and mercy to my family, more than I want to be "right."  And in the end, I can't do that if I use "always" and "never" or any other similar words.

Stuff and Things

SO much has happened since my last post.  (I know, I know - you're tired of hearing that EVERY time I write.)

We had an AWESOME start to the school year.  We have, for the most part, stuck with a good routine and daily schedule, switching it up here and there when necessary.  These last week and a half have been a bit too relaxed for my liking, but next week is our Fall 9-week Break, which is sorely needed; and I fully expect us to start strong again after that. 

Part of the reason we've had a relaxed couple of weeks is because I made and canned 18 quarts of apple sauce and about 2 dozen quarts of apple cider.  Then my dad "surprised" me with two HUGE boxes of grapes from his buddy's vineyard; so last week, with the kids' help, I got about half of them done and canned into grape juice.  I have 6 dozen quarts so far, which means there are another 6-8 dozen quarts' worth of grapes left to can.  Oh, and I'm down to a dozen jars, AFTER buying another 2 dozen last week.  So this should be interesting.

K3's TPR was FINALLY filed with the court, and the initial appearance hearing was Monday.  It was adjourned.  It will likely be adjourned again.  If you remember from Liam's case, this is the norm.  But I'm more frustrated about this case than I was with his, because she shouldn't even have to be worrying about permanence.  This should have been over and done a long time ago.  I continue to pray for a miracle, but it's hard not to be discouraged some days.

Liam turned TWO a couple of weeks ago!  It's pretty ridiculous; I still can't really believe he's 2 already.  It still seems like it was just yesterday that we brought him home from the hospital.  Soon my K4 will also be 2; not sure how I feel about having two 2 year olds!  

Speaking of K4, we have, after much discussion and mind-changing and negotiating, come up with her new name.  :-D

Friday is November 1st, which means the beginning of National Novel Writing Month.  For the past three years, Hunter has joined me in the novel-writing adventure.  This year, Kaleigh will also participate!  For those who are not familiar with the Young Writer's Program branch of NaNoWriMo, the coolest part about it is that participants choose their own word count.  The kids and I discussed and agreed upon their word counts for this year; but I can't tell you what they are juuuuuuust yet.  Don't worry; you'll find out soon enough ;-).

Randy and I took the kids out to the county park for their annual "school" pics this past Sunday afternoon.  I SO wish I could share them here, but I can't.  Well, I can actually share pictures of three of them, but since I can't share them all, I don't really want to share any.  It doesn't feel right.

I guess those are the highlights.  

The day-to-day feels like a grind many days.  Liam and K4 take turns (or sometimes not) being whiny and clingy.  K2 and K3 take turns being deliberately disobedient.  Hunter can't quite figure out how to get to the maturity level of a 13 year old.  But Liam and K4 also take turns wanting kisses and hugs.  K2 and K3 are doing amazingly better at getting along with each other than they were several months ago.  Hunter is learning, even though slowly, and sometimes I am somewhat taken aback by his thoughtfulness and kind-heartedness.  So just as many days are fun and exciting and enjoyable.

Time to go think about dinner for tonight.

Little Miss Thang

Well we have just concluded our final "visit" with the Little Miss.

Let's just say there's going to be a very definite transition period.

It's pretty obvious that she's spoiled.  She's used to being picked up and carried around.  She's used to her demands being met - immediately.  She's used to being parked in front of the TV.  She's used to getting what she wants when she wants it.  

She's used to falling asleep in front of the TV whenever she darn well pleases and then being put to bed.

If you know us even the slightest, you know that none of that flies here!

Right now, she is about the unhappiest child I have ever met, unless she is being directly entertained in the manner in which she has demanded to be entertained.  She walks around the house whining and crying and moaning.  Attempts to redirect her and engage her in playing with toys are currently unsuccessful, so I've taken to ignoring the mopey-ness for the most part.  When she does smile or laugh engage positively in something, I praise her and hug her and try to make sure attention is put on the positive behavior while being withheld from the negative behavior.  

I'm pretty sure that her general unhappiness is a combination of not getting what she wants all day long, and feeling uprooted and displaced right now without any way to express those feelings.  I can't even imagine what it's like as a toddler to suddenly start spending long periods of time (several days is an eternity when you're tiny!) in a home you've never seen before, with strangers you don't know, and routines you aren't used to.  And we have made some alterations for her, such as rocking her to sleep; while at the same time trying to teach some basic behavior modification, such as not allowing her to scream when she doesn't get her way.  (And boy does she scream.)

I have to say that although the process is frustrating (and the screaming is grating), I think that progress has been made even over the course of two visits.  When she is placed on time out for screaming and told that I will come get her when she is done screaming, she doesn't scream for quite as long as she did a week and a half ago.  (Screaming at nap time is another story, however.)

She does sleep through the night, which I have to say is no small mercy, since Liam is still struggling in that area many nights.

We have two nights, and then K4 (don't pretend you're surprised) will be home on Thursday, Lord-willing to stay <3>

Adoption!!!

I know, I know; I've owed you all a post for over a week now.  The truth is, this week was a come-down-from-the-stress-of-the-previous-two-weeks week, for lack of a better description.

I got so keyed up doing paperwork, cleaning the house, making plans, shopping for party things and gifts, and cleaning the house some more, that I needed more of a relaxation period than I expected.  And then those last couple of days before (and the morning of) the adoption, there is that, "Oh my gosh, something is going to happen to get in the way of this!" feeling.  It's probably stronger when you've been through enough ridiculous situations that you know from experience that IT IS NOT FINAL UNTIL THE JUDGE SIGNS THE PAPER.  That feeling on top of the other stress results in very little sleep at a time when it is needed more than any ordinary week.  BUT, I am convinced that college was prep for parenthood.  I got through it, and with the help of my wonderful husband and kids, the house was nearly spotless for the party on Saturday.

The adoption was bright and early Friday morning.  We were so blessed to have a very nice group of family and close friends present for the adoption.  It was really cool to have some of the people who have been close to us throughout our entire "Liam journey" with us while he became a legal permanent member of our family.  Among them were my mom and brother; my cousin, who also happens to be one of my closest friends, and my two little "nieces;" one of my very best friends, who has been beside us on this journey since holding teensy Liam on his first Sunday at church; and Liam's awesome caseworker (who, yes, was required to be there, but who I would have asked to be there anyway - without her, this would not have happened so quickly or so smoothly). Our children were, of course, there; and Randy's older daughter was even able to be there, though she lives out of state.

I'm so so so thankful that God has led us to adoption, and brought our sweet, beautiful, wonderful children into our lives.  No, parenting them is not always easy; often it is more difficult than parenting bio children, because of all the "extras" they bring with them.  But I could not love them more if they had been born to me, I truly know that.  Adopting is such a wonderful, awesome thing that you can't even imagine unless you experience it - and it is such a great reminder every day of how God has adopted us and made us His children.

Thank you to all who have followed us through Liam's foster journey, and for all of your support and kind words.  The journey has not ended; it has only changed in definition and destination, for which we are eternally grateful, and which responsibility we will strive to uphold and live up to, and which privilege we will strive to be worthy of, to the best of our human ability.

Update on Littles

Well, I had a worker from K3's GAL's office here last week, and I had Ty's case manager here yesterday.  K3's case manager was also supposed to come last week, but she was getting over a bout with pneumonia and wasn't able to make it.  

I know I promised an update, but the truth is, there is very little "new" to report.

But for those who aren't up to date with what's going on (I know I don't share as much here as I do in "real life"), here's the skinny:

K3 came to us with her case already in TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) with the court.  Her pretrial conference is next week, and her trial is the week after that.  We are praying everything goes smoothly and quickly, while also being realistic and remembering that truly, anything can happen (we know this from experience!)  It's strange to know that her case could be finished before Ty's, and that potentially, she could be adopted sooner.  However, it's also strange to think that her case could be over sooner, but he could still be adopted sooner, since we can't adopt her until she's been with us six months, which happens to be October 14th!

In June, Ty's case was referred from the case worker's office to the DA's office for TPR.  Then I found out that at the hearing in February, when Ty's grandmother got legal guardianship of his 2-1/2 year old brother, the court had also ORDERED the TPR on Ty.  Why it took them so long to refer it, I have no clue; in fact, his worker quit at the end of May, and it was the new worker who referred the case to the DA's office, her second day on the job.  Sort of ridiculous.  I think maybe the previous worker was trying to give the bp's (bio parents) a chance to straighten up before she sent the referral, although it was clear from our conversations that she knew that was never going to happen, so I'm really not sure what the hold up was.  Either way, the DA is in the process of filing the TPR with the court now.  His permanency hearing has been scheduled for August since February, so hopefully the TPR will be addressed at the same time.  Of course, we are also hoping that his case goes quickly, as he has now been with us 8 months and is definitely a part of our family.  It's obvious that even he knows it, as he is sometimes clingy with me and at times will not go to anyone else.  

K3's visits with bp's have been nonexistent, due to reasons I cannot disclose here.  However, due to a change in one of those circumstances, her bd (bio dad) is in a position where he began asking for visits again.  The case worker had no way of getting around it, even though she really didn't want to give him visits again; so she gave him one visit a month!  I had to laugh.  If the trial goes well for K3, bd will get one visit, and that will be it.  As of right now, bm will get no visits, as her circumstances for not having visits have not changed.  K3 has no bond with either of them, doesn't talk about them, and doesn't acknowledge them as her parents, even to her case worker or therapist. 

Ty's visits, for all practical purposes, have also been nearly nonexistent.  In February, his visits went from 3 per week per bp to 2 per week per bp, because they kept canceling visits.  Starting next week, they go to 1 per week per bp, for the same reason - they miss more visits than they attend.  So I'm really glad about that, because never knowing until the last minute whether a visit will happen or not is just you-know-what on the daily schedule - especially Fridays, when I try to plan fun things with the kids.  

So that's the update on those two.  Soon to follow: an update on our summer - past, present, and future! :-)

Life As We Know It

Life as a Mommy of four is busy, and fun, and rewarding, and scary, and CRAZY!  And I love it.  Not every minute of it maybe, but I do love it.

K3 has very quickly become a true Shanahan (no, her last name has not changed yet).  She is still learning and adjusting, and I know it will continue to be a process - as growing is with every child.  Her biggest struggle right now is obeying.  I get the feeling she never was really told what to do before.  That and she is definitely testing for consistency.  (I think you can guess what she is finding there, too.)  Her social worker told us before placement that she didn't have much consistency or discipline follow-through at her previous foster home, and that is definitely obvious.  But we are working on it, and she is learning, albeit slowly.  Potty training has gone GREAT, after a rough start.  She has now been dry for a week straight, including nights.  Today we went from trainers to regular underwear (ditched the pullups two weeks ago), and next time we're at the store she'll get to pick out some "special" ones (the ones she came with are pretty plain).  I also decided a little over a week ago to quit using pullups at night.  Since coming here, she only wet once at night.  I don't really want her to get into a position where she regresses at night, which I think happened with Kaleigh.  So, there you have it.

My littlest monster has really been a monster these last couple of days.  He is suddenly teething like it's going out of style.  Tooth #2 broke through Saturday morning, and tooth #3 just popped through this morning.  On top of that, he is going through some separation anxiety right now; I can't even leave the room without him starting to throw a fit.  This is making naps somewhat difficult.  For example, right now.  When he is happy, though, he is such a joy.  He is eating solid foods now, sitting up really well in the Bumbo, interacting with all the toys on his ExerSaucer and bouncing himself around in it, and laughing at almost everything.  He is such a sweet boy.

Kaleigh is also still adjusting to having another little girl around.  At times, she is loving and leading and sharing and is just a very good sister.  At other times, her need to control comes out and she tries to be the boss instead of the sister.  I am trying to help her learn that she and K3 are equals in this house - she is not any higher up on the chain than her sister or anyone else for that matter.  She knows it, but does not want to accept that she does not get to make the decisions or control anyone else.  It has been quite the frustration, this past week in particular.  I continue to pray for wisdom, grace, and more wisdom.

Hunter turned 12 almost two weeks ago now, and is also working at changing some behaviors.  Overall, he has done much better these last few weeks than he had been doing in previous weeks.  We continue to remind him that privileges are earned; they are not rights that one receives simply by reaching a certain age; and that they can be lost very easily and have to be re-earned, which is not nearly as easy as losing them.  He is doing well in his schoolwork, and I decided to be done with math for the year (we will still do some review over the summer).  He has almost finished his third reading workbook this year, and then he will be done with reading for this year as well.  That leaves science, grammar, and vocab to finish up before he is done with 6th grade.  I am pretty sure we will be working on all three during the summer, so I will just need to pick a good "stopping" point at which we can say 6th grade is over. 

I guess that's it from the kiddo side of things.  Randy and I continue to squeeze in time alone together whenever we can - which is sometimes next to never with our weekly schedule.  We did have a very nice weekend, with some good family time and good couple time and lots of just plain relaxing all around.  Randy is transitioning into a new position at work - which I know he will do a fabulous job in! - but we are about to see him a little less during the weeks for awhile as he works on getting things straightened out and in order and learns the ropes of the new position.  So our weekend family time continues to be as important as ever.

There are some updates I want to share regarding the status of the kids, but this entry is long enough, so they will have to wait for another entry.  

Happy Monday!

Honeymoon

Well, I am happy to say our first weekend with our newest little member went very well.  It was nice to go to bed last night knowing all my Littles were tucked into their beds and I didn't have to "return" any of them.  As of this morning, this is officially the longest K3 has spent with us, and God-willing, it is just going to keep getting longer.

In some ways, this weekend served as a bridge.  As difficult as it was to have her here and then gone repeatedly for two weeks, I know the visits were a good thing.  I don't think she quite comprehends that she is going to be staying; she mentioned taking things back to "her house" and bringing things here from "her house" - meaning her previous foster home - several times.  It's certainly a normal and expected phase, and I'm not worried about it.  But I do think that having had the visits will help with this part of the process.  If she had been moved here without meeting us or having visits or any of that, I believe the adjustment would be much more difficult.  

Also, the visits gave us all a chance to experience the "honeymoon" a little at a time.  Don't get me wrong - I think we are still in that phase.  But, Kaleigh and K3 have gotten used to each other during the visits, and now the true "sister" phase is really starting to begin.  K2 is really going to have to learn a few things about being a big sister, not the least of which is that being the big sister does NOT make you the mom.  K3 is learning what it means to have a sister in general, as she had only foster brothers previously.  And both girls are learning that as much fun as it is to have a sister, it is still okay to have some alone time once in awhile - especially since they both have become accustomed to playing alone.  The testing of the household guidelines has already begun.  And the prayers for wisdom and grace and consistency have already increased!

A weekend was a good time to do the move.  It gave us all a chance to settle in a relaxed atmosphere, and was nice not to feel like we had to stick to a routine - as much as I miss the routine on weekends.  I am looking forward to starting a new week and getting back into the routine in all aspects - Hunter is back to school work after his spring break week - and helping K3 really begin to realize that this is her home now, a place she can belong and feel safe.  

I have a couple of activities in mind for the next couple of weeks, and look forward to sharing them here as the Shan Clan experiences them.  Until then, Happy Monday, and enjoy the start to your week! 

Eve

This is potentially my last night ever to be a mother of three.  If you haven't read my recent Facebook posts, I am a little over 12 hours away from becoming a mother of four.

God has seen fit to bring me, at the age of 31, to motherhood and four beautiful children.

I am so thrilled. 

And I am so scared.

Okay, not SO scared.  Just a *little* scared.  I mean, anyone in their right mind would be, right?  Four years ago, I had been happily married for two years, and the most parenting I did was three nights a week.  Three years ago, I had just handed off three sweet but troubled babies after parenting them for 8 months, and had just met two equally but differently troubled kiddos who would eventually become my own.  Two years ago, we had just finalized adoption, and after 28 years and 10 months of waiting, I was a mommy of two.  One year ago, we were focused on finding and moving into a new, bigger house to accommodate our growing family, and hoping our family would be growing more SOON.

Time has gone so quickly, even when it seemed like it was passing slowly.  I learned a long time ago, for that very reason, not to wish my life away.

Yet here I am, feeling like time has just flown by.

I digress.

We did much work around the house today, getting ready for the newest addition to the Shan Clan.  Most of what we worked on was in the girls' room, but some of that work overflowed into the boys' rooms too.  I took the desk out of Kaleigh's room, and decided to put it in Hunter's room.  It took the place of a bookshelf, which I decided to put in Ryan's room.  Then I decided Ryan needed a desk too, so I brought a desk down from the loft (a desk I have been planning to put in Ryan's room for a long time anyway).  To make room for the desk, I moved Ryan's other furniture around.  Back in the girls' room, I brought up a cube shelf set so that they would each have their own space for their toys and books.  We also rearranged a bunch of other things in their room, during which time I made a list of  some things I needed to get to further the organizational goals.  

After quiet time, we made a quick library run to take back the books that were due tomorrow and get a few more books to get us through... a few days at least.  Then we swung by Target to get the items on my organization list.  One of the things I planned to get was the cloth storage cubes for the girls' toys.  They had the purple ones, for Kaleigh, but were all out of the pink ones, for K3.  So I MIGHT get brave and take the kids to the other Target tomorrow to see if they have the pink ones.  

Kaleigh has been very excited all day.  She had fun helping organize the bedroom, and kept reminding me that K3 is coming to live with us tomorrow.  She has been looking forward to having a little sister for a long time.  I know there is going to be a period of adjustment for her, but I think it is overall going to be a good thing.

I, on the other hand, have no idea how I am going to deal with having TWO little girls growing up in the house.  One made me nervous.  Two... terrifies me.

And don't get me started on the boys.  

Nope, that's not even true.  I am more worried about raising girls than boys.  Although I know God is giving me His guidance and strength in both cases.

I sit here on the eve of becoming a mommy of four.

And I couldn't be happier that God has brought me here.

Update

Yes, I know, it has been ages.  It seems like just as soon as we clear one hurdle, there's another waiting for us!  

Ty got through his withdrawal really well.  We all survived the holidays, and then he got pneumonia.  He got through that, and we had BF (bio family) drama.  And now we're just getting over a round of family illness.  I guess we are a really close family - we share EVERYTHING!  :-)

But, everyone is doing great, overall.  Hunter is SOARING through 6th grade - subjects he was once behind in, he is now plowing ahead in.  My hope of him starting at grade level in 7th grade is beginning to dissipate.  Now I am beginning to hope he will start 7th grade a little ahead of his peers in some subjects, math in particular.  Yes, MATH - the subject he was the most behind in during 4th grade.  He is also doing really well with reading - the little 8 year old boy who hated to read when he came to us now cannot get enough of books!  It makes a Mama's heart so proud :-).  And his comprehension and oral fluency have improved greatly.  I just cannot express how proud I am of how far he has come.  He is not without his challenges - what almost-12-year-old is?? - but we continue to work on those and pray that God will help us guide his heart so that he continues to learn to make right decisions and grow in maturity and responsibility.

Kaleigh is also progressing very well academically.  She began learning to read in the fall, and her reading improves every day.  She sometimes just amazes me with the words she is able to sound out.  She really has gotten the hang of the sounding-out thing very quickly.  She, too, loves to read, both by herself and with others.  She and I always have at least one book that we read through together over a period of time.  Right now, we are reading through the Ramona series; we are nearly finished with Ramona the Brave.  She is also really into American Girl dolls right now, and a couple of weeks ago I pulled out the few books that I collected as a pre-teen; she latched onto those right away.  So now we are also reading Meet Addy.   I was concerned it would be a little too much for her, since it talks somewhat vividly about how slaves were treated; but she took it in really well, and I figured kids are exposed to so much fictional violence these days, that it won't hurt her to understand a little bit of our historical "violence."  And it's geared for 9 year olds, so it isn't TOO graphic.  Kaleigh is also working on writing - she actually has been working on this since preschool, but now that she is learning to read, she is recognizing the correlation to writing and spelling.  She loves to write notes to people, and sometimes I tell her the spelling as she is writing, but sometimes I tell her to sound it out.  It is fun to see what she comes up with, and I just love the way kids learn when they work things out for themselves.

Ty is growing, growing, growing.  He began teething a couple of weeks ago, and since a tooth has not popped through just yet, he is still cranky, cranky, cranky.  In between the cranky times, though, he is such a happy baby.  He is smiling and cooing and giggling all the time, and it is soooooo sweet.  The week before last he started rolling from back to front - I guess it won't be long now before he is on the move!  Yikes!!  

We got a call yesterday about a 3 year old little girl who is currently in foster care.  They are in the TPR (termination of parental rights) process with her right now, but her current foster family is unable to adopt her; so they are looking for a family who would be able to adopt her once TPR is complete.  After talking through it last night, Randy and I agreed that we would like to meet her and set up some pre-placement visits to see what she's like and how she might fit into our family.  We appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we begin to move through this process.  

Well, I have a baby who needs fed and a little girl who is turning into a giant raisin in the tub.  Time to run!  Hoping I'll be able to update more regularly now that we have settled into somewhat of a routine!

Boys and Reading / Kids and Screens

I read an article once about how today's culture tells us that the only way to get boys to read is to give them super-simple reading materials with lots of gross-ness and icky-ness in order to keep their attention.  And yes, my son does enjoy the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series.  The article went on to discuss how if we took away the video games and these other kinds of books, and replaced them all with the adventure classics, that boys would learn that there is much more to be had in the world of reading.

I have to say that I did not agree with 100% of what the article had to say, but the overall spirit of the article was spot-on.  Today's boys have been conditioned to believe that "boys don't read" or "reading is an activity primarily reserved for girls or girly boys."  These last couple of weeks, with Hunter expressing how much he enjoyed both Black Beauty and Robin Hood, have been great proof that boys can discover the enjoyment of reading a true adventure story.

I also think, as a separate but contributing issue, that kids in general spend way too much time in front of TV and video games.  With less allowable time in front of screens, kids are practically forced to utilize other, more creative, outlets; reading and creative play come to mind primarily.

I have never been a fan of lots of screen time for kids, but a couple of months ago, I decided I needed some type of system that was more objective for the kids than "No, you can't watch TV right now," but still limited the amount of time they spend in front of screens.  So I made "Screen Cards."  Each card is worth a half hour of TV/video game/computer time, and each kid gets a certain number of cards per week.  It's working out great!  I chose an amount of time per week that breaks down into what I consider an acceptable amount of time per day, and the kids get the freedom of making choices as far as using their cards and getting time to watch TV or play a video game.  Of course, there are a few rules: homework and chores have to be done before using cards, and I rarely - if ever - let them use more than 2 in a row without a break for their eyes.  

But overall, they are both learning a little something about conservation.  Hunter often uses his up with 2 or 3 days to go in the week, and Kaleigh often has quite a few cards left at the end of the week!

Random Update Bits

It has been a rather rough couple of weeks with the kids as far as behavior and attitudes.  Oh, we've had a few good days in there, but looking back there have definitely been more problems than not.  I don't really know what's been causing this, and it's hard to deal with when I feel like I'm always scolding and lecturing and enforcing consequences.  I have been trying to really focus on the positive things, praising them when they do the right things, making sure they know how great it is and how happy it makes Jesus when they make the right choices.  Still, I hate it when I have to continually deal with negative behaviors and wrong choices so often in short periods of time.

I heard some very exciting news yesterday, and can't wait until it becomes public =D.

I've gotten a couple of boxes of things in the living room packed up, but general life (i.e. dishes, laundry, homeschooling, kids, etc.) has prevented me from doing as much as I originally pictured myself getting done in a couple of weeks.  However, today and tomorrow I hope to get more done in that room.  I have even more incentive now that things are beginning to move forward with the house hunt.

Hunter just came upstairs to tell me he was finished with math.  He has been struggling with memorizing his basic multiplication facts, and after several weeks of trying different strategies to help him learn them, his assignment the last two days has been to start with 3x3 and see how high he can get in 5 minutes.  Yesterday he got up to 7x7.  Today he got up to 9x3!  You have no idea how this thrills me.  I am very impressed with his dedication to his school work, much more so than last year in public school.  He also finished his fifth grade level reading comp book a couple of weeks ago.  I plan to order him the sixth grade level soon.  When he ended the fourth grade in June, his reading comprehension was at a beginning- to mid-fourth grade level.  By the time this June comes, he will be well into the sixth grade level.  He is also thriving in his Bible studies, which are comprised half of his Awana book and half of a Rod and Staff Bible book.  He has quite a bit to catch up on, in a manner of speaking, but in a way I think that starting his studies now makes him more interested in learning about God and the Bible than he might be if he had grown up in a different situation.  

The kids just went outside to play in the snow, which is good since it is going to be super cold again tomorrow.  The dog is barking and whining like crazy because as we all know, it is just plain WRONG for kids to go out to play without taking the dog.

Speaking of dogs, when we move we want to get another dog.  We have always agreed that once we owned our own house, we would have a second (and bigger - Madi is 25 pounds) dog.  I have been compulsively just for fun, researching different breeds of dogs. We wanted to get another Irish breed, but they are all either terriers or shed like nobody's business.  Madi is a terrier (although an atypical one), and though I love her, I don't want a second one.  The breed I have decided on and just need to convince my husband to go along with is a Norwegian Buhund.  I'll give you a minute to Google it.

I have gotten back to working out at home (our lives have not allowed us time for the Y since Thanksgiving) 3-4 times a week.  It's probably not as good as the Y, but I try to do plenty of aerobic exercises, and also some yoga, although it's hard to do more than a few poses because our basement ceiling is very low.  Between the exercise and employing willpower to avoid junk food during the week, I have finally started to lose some of the weight I have gained since getting married.  

Hunter has found a new book series: the How to Train Your Dragon series.  He is plowing through the first book, which is wonderful to see, since he hated to read when he came to us.  

We got Kaleigh a V-Tech Mobigo for Christmas, and she loves playing it.  All of the games are educational, and they teach her much better than most workbooks could.  I've been doing preschool work at home with her of course, and prior to getting the Mobigo, I did a few skill checks with her (basically a kindergarten "screening"), and she is more than ready for kindergarten.  Six months to a year ago, I was a little concerned about her cognitive abilities and readiness for preschool, which is why I have taken it slowly and pressure-free this year.  But she has come a long way in the past 6 months.  It has been awesome to watch her grow cognitively, in reasoning ability, and in fine and gross motor skills.

My classes start on Monday.  I am not overly excited about that, but the one thing I am excited about for this semester is that one of my classes is entirely online, and the other is half online, which means I only have to go to campus roughly every other week.

Kaleigh just came in so I could fix her hat, and on her way back out the door she said, "Are we going to have hot chocolate, cause my toes are trying to be cold!"  HAHA!

We are going to see 2 houses on Saturday.  I am very excited.  

Well, time for me to start hot chocolate and bring the kiddos in for lunch.

That is all.

Parent Frustration

My ten year old has made some poor decisions in the last few days.  He turned his TV on in his bedroom after he was put to bed.  He cheated on his science homework.  He lied to my face twice in less than twenty-four hours.

And because of his past hurts, he cuts himself off from the emotional repercussions of consequences, so that nothing I take away from him does anything to affect his behavior.

So yesterday, after the cheating and the second lie, I took a page from a friend's book (thanks, Laura), and had him write a verse about lying 50 times.  

Okay, we are all sinners, we all make wrong decisions from time to time, and kids are (definitely) no exception.  So yes, my kids are going to do things they shouldn't, even things they know they shouldn't.  I sometimes do things I know I shouldn't.  So I can forgive him and we can move on.  

But that doesn't mean I can just say, "Oh well, everyone sins.  No big deal," and let him think that it doesn't matter that he tells a lie once in awhile, or disobeys his parents, or cheats on his homework because he's too lazy to look for the answers.  Or anything else that he knows he shouldn't do.  My job as a parent is to teach them how to overcome, with God's help, the temptation to sin, and to right their wrongs when they do sin.  That is why it is important to me to choose consequences that are effective in changing behavior rather than simply punishments for the wrongdoing.  

I also believe that the lying is a habit for avoiding getting into trouble for other wrongdoings.  Not that that is an excuse or makes it okay, but I believe it needs to be treated as a habit to be broken rather than an issue of a hard heart or pre-planned decision to lie.  Of course, there is still a heart issue to deal with, since in order to break the habit he needs to believe that it is wrong to tell a lie.  So I've decided that the verse-writing will be the consequence of choice for awhile, in addition to losing privileges.

The frustrating part is when it seems like nothing works.  Some days I feel like a horrible parent because I must be doing something wrong if he is not learning or does not care about doing what is right.  But I realized last night that all I can do is pray for him and be consistent.  God has to do the rest. 

Friday Funday

I woke up this morning feeling like we needed a fun day.  Especially since I was starting to feel crabby, I think because I haven't slept much at all in the last four(+) nights.  In any case, we needed to do some fun things.

Our day started with a standoff on the interstate, not far from here.  Long story, but around 4 a.m. two people in a stolen car ran out of gas by the side of the road and when cops approached, refused to get out of the car, eventually waving a gun magazine out the window and telling them he would shoot them if they came near the car.  There were city police, county sheriffs, SWAT, and a canine unit at the scene; the entire freeway was shut down in both directions, and people who had been sitting in traffic for 2-1/2 hours were finally turned around and rerouted to the other interstate.  The whole thing didn't end until after ten, and we were pretty much glued to Channel 4 news until then.

After that excitement, I got Hunter started on his school work, and I got out the Christmas tree.  Kaleigh and I put up and decorated the tree, and Hunter finished up a health assignment and took his math and spelling tests.  (Okay, school work isn't necessarily fun, but he needed to take those tests and the fun part was that I didn't make him do every subject!)  Then we made a yummy lunch - something relatively new (similar to another dish that I make, but put together a little differently, which the kids loved).  We had a little quiet time, then headed over to the mall.  We did some shopping, saw some kids playing in an orchestra concert in the rotunda, and headed over to pick Ryan up from swimming.  When we got home, Kaleigh opted to work on some of her craft gifts (Christmas presents for relatives), but Hunter chose to play with toys instead.  (Fine by me - as long as he was having fun!) 

Now we have stuffed crust pizzas in the oven, and the kids are picking out their movie for tonight.

In all honesty, it wasn't the day I had in mind.  I originally envisioned more craft time, a game, a little more time out of the house.  But the kids didn't seem to mind.  Hunter's eyes when I told him he was done with school for the day, and Kaleigh's facial expression when I turned on the Christmas lights....  they made today a fun day for me.

Frustration

Don't get me wrong here.  I'm grateful that the process of keeping my kids in touch with their Great Grandparents has been relatively smooth and not fraught with bitterness and resentment.  And I'm very thankful for the grace God has given me in having to deal with them on a regular basis.

But I am still frustrated with their behavior.

They have been told repeatedly they are not to give the children things unless it is a birthday or a holiday, and even on those times, they are given a spending limit and we have to approve their gifts before they are given.

Lest you think we are cold-hearted and controlling, take a moment to imagine a nine year old knowing he is going to get a Play*station 3 for Christmas simply because "My Grandpa asked me what I wanted and that is what I told him, so that's how I know what I'm getting."  Imagine a two year old who wants her brother's DS and refuses to leave him alone when he is playing it, and so because she wants one "so badly," her Great Grandparents buy her one of her own.  Imagine two children returning home after six hours with said Great Grandparents, hauling enough stuff to fit into EIGHT garbage bags, and then not missing the two-thirds of it that is subsequently given away to charity.

These are just a few of the reasons we have rules about gift-giving.  I also believe that is the right and privilege of the parents to buy the children their most "extravagant" gifts, and I do not think it is right for parents to be upstaged by other family members (if they don't want to be).  Don't take that the wrong way; it's just that these particular Grandparents are like dealing with ex-spouses: they use gift giving as an attempt to buy the children's love, and since I have the power to stop it (unlike with exes), I'm going to exercise that power.

Back to the issue at hand.  Even though they have been told - not just once or twice or even six times - numerous times not to buy things for the children, they continue to do it.  "Oh, I had 30% off at Kohl's and I just couldn't resist."  "Oh I just saw this and I knew s/he wanted one."  "This was so cute I just couldn't pass it up."  

IT'S
GETTING
OLD

For Hunter's birthday, they were told to spend no more than $35, and I strongly suggested a Lego set, since there are some decent ones for around that range.   What did they show up with?  A $100+ Lego set.  "Livid" does not begin to describe it.  We confronted them then and there, but didn't feel that we could tell Hunter he wasn't getting the gift, since he had already seen it.  We did, however, tell them that if that ever happened again, they would not be allowed to give the gifts.  We also prepped Hunter for the possibility of that happening at Christmas.  (I explained to him that his Grandparents are allowed to get him one gift, just like all his other relatives, and that if they don't follow the rules, they will be returning the gifts.)  This was important for two reasons: 1) the possibility of disappointment if they showed up with a bunch of gifts and he thought he would be keeping them, and 2) he is notorious for asking them for tons of things because he knows they will buy whatever he asks for.

Earlier this week, it happened again, this time with Kaleigh.  I show up to pick up the kids; I am met with a PILE of clothes on the couch - oh and by the way, these clothes were shown to me THREE WEEKS AGO and I told her to give a few of them (told her specifically which ones) to Kaleigh for Christmas and return the others to the store.  Now she is showing them to me again, asking me YET AGAIN "Can Kaleigh take these home?"  It was all I could do not to explode.  And to top it off, half the clothes she picks out are either just plain U.G.L.Y. or so grown up I wouldn't let a fourteen year old wear them, let alone a four year old.

The Great Grandparents wanted to know if they were going to get the kids for their own "Christmas" like they did last year.

"Last year was a different situation!" I wanted to scream.  We are a FAMILY now.  They don't go separately to separate extended family's houses and have a whole bunch of Christmases.  They have Christmas on Christmas Day with US and all of their family who chooses to spend Christmas with us. 

I am beside myself as we get ready for Christmas.  These people still don't get it that these are OUR children. They live at OUR house.  They do not have multiple parents; they do not have multiple houses.  They have the mindset of a divorcee who still has rights to her children and a separate home where the children live part of the time and have different rules and belongings and behaviors.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  That is not the situation we have here!!!!!!!!  Why do they not get that WE. ARE. IN. CHARGE.???????

Sorry.  Almost had a meltdown there for a second.

Seriously, though.  I don't know how to deal with it anymore.  I'm tired of saying "I don't want you buying things for the children anymore," and being met with the oh-I-was-just-trying-to-do-something-nice eyes.  Because it's not because they want to do something nice.  It's because they still want to believe THEY are parenting and controlling these children (not that I believe for a second the two go hand in hand, but in their case, it did).

Because I swear before God and all of you as witnesses, if they cross the boundaries of what I told them to buy for Christmas, they will lose their gift-giving privileges across the entire board.  I am truly at that point.

Lessons

One thing every parent knows is that we not only teach our children, but we also learn from them.  I think that I sometimes miss these lessons because I am too caught up in whatever I happen to be doing at the time.  And believe me, there is never a dull moment around here, and I always seem to be in the middle of something.  But I have been really trying to be more aware of the little things and what I can learn from them.

The other day, the kids and I went out to the car to run over to JoAnn's for some scrapbooking supplies.  We got out into the 12-degree outside, opened the car doors, and - Lo and Behold - Kaleigh's carseat was not there.  Daddy had forgotten to take it out of his car the night before when he got home from picking the kids up at Grandma's house.  Thankfully, I had an extra, in the garage.  Not-so-thankfully, said extra had moldy straps.  Thankfully, Kaleigh no longer has to wear the straps, as she is old enough for just a booster seat.  Not-so-thankfully, it was still 12 degrees outside.  

Rather than haul the kids back inside and try to wrestle with the seat in the narrow hallway (can't wait to move out of our tiny house!), I decided to just take the straps out right there, outside, and be done with it.  I'm nothing if not efficient.

So there I am, in the bitter freezing cold, trying to get the stupid straps and all their buckles through the many holes in the plastic seat and its fabric covering, cursing the cold weather and wondering why winter can't just be from December 23 to January 3 and why my husband can't just remember to take the stupid carseat out of his car as soon as he gets home instead of waiting til morning and then forgetting it EVERY SINGLE TIME.  In my head, all I am doing is basically complaining and grumbling and working myself into a bad mood.

And my daughter, standing off to the side and seemingly oblivious to the frigid air, is singing.

In my crabby mood, I almost told her to be quiet.  The Holy Spirit (there's no way I can take credit by calling it self-control) stopped me.  How dare I tell her to stop singing just because I am unhappy with my current circumstances?!

My heart was softened, and I took the moment to remind myself that even though I cannot control what happens to me and around me, I CAN control how I respond to it.  I took a deep breath, wrenched the last buckle out of the seat, tossed the whole moldy contraption into the trash (I'll never need it again anyway), and apologized to my kids for my grouchiness.  I silently apologized to my husband (who never knew how upset I was with him at that moment, since he didn't answer his phone when I called to ream him out for leaving the carseat in his car - anyone see how hard the Holy Spirit was working that morning???), and asked God to help me have a better attitude.

And to remember that no matter what my circumstances are, I can still have a song in my heart.  Even in 12 degree weather.

Little Visits

So the kids and I have started something new.  I really should have started doing this a long time ago, but to be honest, it never crossed my mind.  I'm a bad Mommy.

We are doing devotions together over breakfast each morning.  One thing about it that's really special is that we are using a children's devotional book that my aunt had when she was little, and I had when I was little.  It's called "Little Visits with God."  It's beat up and the binding is taped together and the intro and first story are missing, but I think that makes it even more special.  I don't know for sure if I'll be able to write about it every day, but I'm going to try.

Today we talked about how everything we own belongs to God, not to us.  We talked about some of the things that we think of as "ours," but are really God's, because He gave them to us and lets us use them.  It's a concept I've always known of course, but don't think about every single day.  Since having so many blessings come into my life over the past few years - my husband and children to name a few - I've tried hard not to take anything for granted.  But I still fail at that every single day.  

For example, I sometimes think of things as "mine" and I don't want to share them.  And that is the complete opposite attitude of the one that I should have.  We are expected to use what we have to help others, to show them Christ.  The last thing we are supposed to do with what God has given us is keep it to ourselves.  What good are our treasures here on earth except if we can use them for the good of people and souls?

Also, we are planning to move in the spring.  In all honesty, we are sorely in need of a bigger house.  The house we are in now was perfect for a married couple and a half-time kid, but is nowhere near enough room for a family of five, let alone a family of five-hoping-to-be-six.  God has really been gracious and merciful in laying out the path for our family, in guiding us in the directions He has for us, and in closing doors on the directions He does not have for us.  But lately, I have been thinking a lot lately that I just can't wait to find our new home and move into it.  Now, I know it's not wrong to be excited and eager for some positive changes for our family, and I'm certainly not trying to "rush" God.  I'm simply ready to get out of our tiny space and into something better suited for our growing family and extended family.  But, our devotions this morning were a reminder to me not to take what I do have for granted.  Even our tiny house with its tiny bedrooms and tiny kitchen and tiny yard was given to us by God, and we are by all means grateful to have it.

My hope after today's devotion is to be a better example for my kids, so that they can understand these concepts as we study and learn them, and so that they can see what it means to truly live in Christ.

Today's verse: Psalm 24:1 "The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof."

No Baby Yet...

We are a family waiting for a baby.  Sometimes, I liken us to a family where the Mom (that's me) is pregnant, and we are all anxiously and eagerly waiting for the day when the baby is born.

Except with the possibility of a much longer labor period, and without the big belly and over-the-top emotion swings. 

This week, I almost went into labor early.  Except without all the incubators and ventilators and feeding tubes and not being able to hold the baby.  When Randy and I were away, we got a phone call for a 2-week-old baby girl.  She had to be placed right away, and since we weren't home, she had to go somewhere else.

It was a little disappointing, but honestly, only a little.  Because I know that since it didn't work out, she wasn't our baby.  God will deliver our baby when the time is right.  Not when I think it's right, but when He knows it's right.

And anyway, my due date's not until November.

Summer... So Far

Well, the Shanahan summer is going swimmingly so far.  
Get it?  Swimmingly? 

Okay, fine, don't laugh at my joke.  The kids think it's great (the pool, anyway).  As you can see...

Besides swimming, we have been using the summer to try some new things for our family, in the hopes of creating a little more healthy lifestyle for all of us.

First of all, we are doing some summer school work at home, mostly to catch Hunter up to the fifth grade level before he starts school in the fall; but also to get Kaleigh started on some preschool work.  I'm not a big believer in formal preschool, so Kaleigh won't be going "to school" in the fall, but we will be doing some things here at home.  There's a high probability that Hunter will also be home-schooling in the fall, for multiple reasons, the main one being that I did not feel his teachers were putting much effort into helping him catch up to grade level.  They seem to be doing just enough with him to show improvement (I would even use the term "drastic improvement" compared to his former school), but not enough to fully catch him up.  As he does not have any learning disabilities, and he simply got behind several years ago, there is no reason for him not to begin to achieve at grade level, with the right support.  However, the minute a student is deemed "special education" and given an IEP, the public school system receives a larger amount of funding.  And who in their right mind would give up free money?  So what if it means labeling our kids and putting them behind the 8 ball for possibly the rest of their school-age lives, if not longer?  It's money!  (/rant)

Anyway, so we've gotten a head start on the home-schooling, and Hunter is doing pretty well so far.  His printing is improving, he's learning handwriting, and his math skills have grown by leaps and bounds as he quickly learns the new problem-solving techniques set before him.  The only thing I am still trying to figure out how to help him with is reading comprehension.  We're going with the trial and error approach, so I'm sure one of these days something will click into place.

Another change, which after several weeks of research we are just starting this week, is that we are trying something with Hunter's AD/HD treatment.  We are weaning him off his meds and onto a daily herbal regimen; in addition, we have pulled a few things out of his diet that often cause problems in AD/HD kids, like dairy and red and yellow food colorings.  We are less than a week into the treatment, so no results to report yet.

The last major change, which more directly impacts the entire family, is that I have been slowly transitioning our foods into whole foods, including more whole grains.  I am happy to report that this change has become final in the last couple of weeks, as my pantry is now stocked with whole-grain pastas and rices and other yummy things, and the cereal and snack cupboards are stocked with seeds and nuts and homemade granola and trail mix, as well as Triscuits.  My fresh fruit basket on the counter is (almost) always full, and my fridge is overflowing with fresh veggies.

Here are the kids, enjoying their afternoon snack of apples and trail mix:

I had to stop after taking three pictures, walk away from the window, and occupy myself with something else, before I had an anxiety attack about my daughter's apple sitting on the ground.  I'm trying not to be "that mom" (or at least, not TOO much of "that mom").